When Suzy found out she was pregnant with her first child, she stopped smoking pot immediately. She had used cannabis recreationally, on weekends, since her early 20s, but didn’t want to do anything that might harm the baby.
After giving birth, Suzy fell into postpartum depression. She loved her baby, but she couldn’t figure out how to love herself. Relief was hard to come by; she was scared to take antidepressants while breastfeeding. She considered turning back to cannabis, but worried that doctors might detect it in her baby’s bloodstream and take the child away.
After her newborn’s six-week checkup, Suzy allowed herself to take a hit when she knew she wouldn’t be nursing for a while. She could feel her shoulders release tension they had been holding for over a month. It was as if she was coming back to life. “I’m not proud I did that,” says Suzy — who, like nearly every parent interviewed for this story, spoke on the condition that her full name not be used for fear of judgment or more formal consequences. “But I’m not sure I would have survived if I wouldn’t have done that.”
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